So, as of Friday, it seems I'm now in "transition" and will be leaving Aqueduct at the end of the year, which means I will also be moving out of my house. After months of dialogue about what my role is here anymore and what it would look like going forward, knowing that I would probably be leaving next summer, Drew & Liza are pushing me out of the nest, which really needed to happen. While I didn't quit my job and this isn't happening on my timetable (isn't that how it usually happens?), it was definitely a mutual understanding and agreement. SO! This also means that I have been given an opportunity to relax and breathe and move on to a new chapter in my life. It's definitely bittersweet and it feels a little surreal to be here at work right now knowing that I'm on a countdown now. But, the truth is, and if you and I have had any conversations at all in the last six months then you know I haven't been happy for a while and I've really just been waiting for something else to open up. My heart is for ministry, not for business. It's for people, not for selling dates on my calendar. I served my family well during the time they needed me, and I've helped with the transition of new ownership, and now they're ready to do it on their own. In the meantime, I have also thought to myself (before this went down), "The end of the year would be a good time for me to go." Even last Tuesday, I stood in my field and cried, saying, "Lord, PLEASE let something just fall out of the sky." That evening, I heard Him say in my spirit, "Are you ready to surrender to me again?" And three days later I was sitting in my bosses' office hearing words like "lay off" and "This is so hard for us to do." I really see it as a gift and there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has orchestrated this. I know Drew & Liza made the best decision they could on my behalf as well as for the business of Aqueduct. The truth is, Aqueduct is changing and I'm a part of the "old" Aqueduct. I'm not meant to be a part of the new. Now then, while I sound an awful lot like Snow White right now ("I've been fired and am leaving the only home I've ever known! Isn't it WONDERFUL!"), I will not go into detail about the resentment I am working very hard not to build, creating a world inside my head that may or may not be true.
When I called my family on Friday afternoon (I left work early), I was especially surprised to hear the excitement in Sarah Hope's voice - she was THRILLED that, not only does she have a house-full of furniture to pick and choose from (she just closed on a townhouse on Thursday), BUT NOW she has someone who can help her paint her house and help with the baby! And so, it looks like that -at least temporarily- I will move to Greenville to live with Sarah Hope and my new niece! I'm surprised by how excited I feel about this.
Some of you know I have been pursuing a school in California. It's the only thing I have in front of me right now, though I am certainly open to whatever -and wherever- God wants to send me. California might not be it. But if I continue down this road, I will likely leave Sarah Hope's to help my dad in Nashville until I officially depart for California. I feel funny even explaining this part because I know better than to really make long-term plans and I haven't even finished applying to the school. BUT...if this is how it all goes down, then I only have a few weeks left in The Hill, my hometown, the place that I love. I can't imagine leaving Chapel Hill forever. It will always be my home. But I'm the last of my family who is here, so Christmases will be spent in either Nashville or Kinston, at least until or unless I have a family of my own. And so, I don't expect to get to see everyone I know and love before I go, but I hope I run into you the way we have for the last 30 years. Because that's how it is with us.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
from twilight till the cows come home...
On Saturday, September 29, Aqueduct Conference Center wants to bring the town of Chapel Hill together for a “fun”-raiser, benefiting Hope Meadow, a nonprofit agency located in Pittsboro that offers residential treatment & aftercare to pregnant women who have substance abuse disorders. (www.fwrs.org)
The event will kick-off at 4:00 p.m. with the third annual Harvest Market on the Hill presented by Creative Juices, featuring the works and wares of local artists and vintage clothing dealers. Come out and find unique crafts, take a pony ride, listen to local talent, and get properly outfitted for the Prom! The Vintage-Western Prom will last from 7-11 p.m., headlined by Big Fat Gap and including other bluegrass bands. We will have a square-dance, a Chili Cook-Off and Pie/Cake-baking contest, hay rides, and a Silent Auction/Raffle -and what Prom would be complete without crowning a King and Queen! (We will also crown a Prom Prince and Princess!)
We want to make this a community-sponsored event! We are looking for crafters, vintage clothiers, chili cookers, pie bakers, community sponsors, raffle & silent auction donors - and anyone else who wants to just come and have a good time! If you are interested in participating, please email me! marykathryntyson@yahoo.com
Monday, April 2, 2007
my cup runneth over.
i locked my keys in my house on friday night, long about the time i had decided i would be going to go to bed seeing how i had to get up so early to get to raleigh. when my tears manipulated the israeli locksmith into actually not drilling through my doorknob because "this was my grandparents' house and this is the original door and i don't want your stupiddumbshuttup new doorknob", it was close to one o'clock when i finally got inside and didn't do anything except for get in bed. mind you, my car wasn't packed yet, so i set my alarm for 4:30. no problem. in a good mood, not too tired when i got out of bed. zella, on the other hand, did not move, which is entirely not normal. it's usually a battle getting out of bed with her in the morning because she jumps down before my feet hit the ground and starts biting my toes. that's how tired she was. my feet were of no interest to the sharp needles that are her teeth.
get packed up and on the road by 5:50. off to a good start. great start. run by krispy kreme to pick up a box of lard and head to meet fran (www.fransapir.com) and erin (www.prissypots.com), who so so graciously agreed to give up their saturday to come help me for the day. i drove my airplane into the very cute-sized parking lot and quickly unloaded when i started to pull off. doing good on time. mind you, my car had been in the shop for over 2 months because i crashed it into a tree during the snowstorm, and i was still not entirely used to driving it again. still, i -slowly- started to do a 3-point turn, doing very well to not scrape up against another car or run into this artists' things leaning against the wall. very well. only not so well that, in the dark hours of the morning, i had no idea her tent was laying on the ground. yeh, not that well. and i won't get into that experience except to say that it took me a while to shake it off -as in, all day- until the end when i have to say she was very, very forgiving (moreso than i might have been, to be honest). however, she might also appreciate knowing that i took my car in this morning for inspection and they called and told me my idler needed to be replaced. $600 later...
now then, that was quite the introduction to what turned into a dee-liteful day. michele did a fantastic job putting the crafters' flea market together. i had the great pleasure of being right across from her and getting to work with fran and erin most of the day. we had several visitors, all interested in who we were (once we told them who we were). one girl said she'd love to do a show for us in asheville! score! there were...36?...other artists there...which now makes me think that i used to carry that many artists in my shows. in that tiny little booth! was i just insane? i might have been.
before the end of the market, ashley of hugh's room -and not only that, but hugh himself and the rest of her family- all came to help me pack up. and, to my surprise, sweet maggie came to help, too! i didn't realize that implementing the changes would make all the difference in the world to me. a.) just to be able to fellowship with y'all makes it so much more enjoyable than just being there with myself and b.) having help is HUGE! thanks for getting involved, girls. i can't tell you how much i appreciate it. but i go back to making the changes to begin with - i appreciate the encouragement i received in this because it really is true that i'm the only one who has the power to do with my business what i want and to make myself happy doing it. man, what a concept!
as i was writing checks last night, i had the thought that it is such a privilege to write my artists their checks! i really love selling your things - even when i was tired and had the potential to operate on hurt feelings - it was just a joy to tell people about who you are and what you do. and to be able to say, "we're sort of a co-op of local artists" -and to mean it, that we're actually all cooperating in this- just fills my heart to overwhelming. thanks for signing on for the year and for being committed to both me and to one another.
i look forward to lori and markie's show in a few weeks!
get packed up and on the road by 5:50. off to a good start. great start. run by krispy kreme to pick up a box of lard and head to meet fran (www.fransapir.com) and erin (www.prissypots.com), who so so graciously agreed to give up their saturday to come help me for the day. i drove my airplane into the very cute-sized parking lot and quickly unloaded when i started to pull off. doing good on time. mind you, my car had been in the shop for over 2 months because i crashed it into a tree during the snowstorm, and i was still not entirely used to driving it again. still, i -slowly- started to do a 3-point turn, doing very well to not scrape up against another car or run into this artists' things leaning against the wall. very well. only not so well that, in the dark hours of the morning, i had no idea her tent was laying on the ground. yeh, not that well. and i won't get into that experience except to say that it took me a while to shake it off -as in, all day- until the end when i have to say she was very, very forgiving (moreso than i might have been, to be honest). however, she might also appreciate knowing that i took my car in this morning for inspection and they called and told me my idler needed to be replaced. $600 later...
now then, that was quite the introduction to what turned into a dee-liteful day. michele did a fantastic job putting the crafters' flea market together. i had the great pleasure of being right across from her and getting to work with fran and erin most of the day. we had several visitors, all interested in who we were (once we told them who we were). one girl said she'd love to do a show for us in asheville! score! there were...36?...other artists there...which now makes me think that i used to carry that many artists in my shows. in that tiny little booth! was i just insane? i might have been.
before the end of the market, ashley of hugh's room -and not only that, but hugh himself and the rest of her family- all came to help me pack up. and, to my surprise, sweet maggie came to help, too! i didn't realize that implementing the changes would make all the difference in the world to me. a.) just to be able to fellowship with y'all makes it so much more enjoyable than just being there with myself and b.) having help is HUGE! thanks for getting involved, girls. i can't tell you how much i appreciate it. but i go back to making the changes to begin with - i appreciate the encouragement i received in this because it really is true that i'm the only one who has the power to do with my business what i want and to make myself happy doing it. man, what a concept!
as i was writing checks last night, i had the thought that it is such a privilege to write my artists their checks! i really love selling your things - even when i was tired and had the potential to operate on hurt feelings - it was just a joy to tell people about who you are and what you do. and to be able to say, "we're sort of a co-op of local artists" -and to mean it, that we're actually all cooperating in this- just fills my heart to overwhelming. thanks for signing on for the year and for being committed to both me and to one another.
i look forward to lori and markie's show in a few weeks!
wondering aloud.
now that lori's gettting the website up and there's a link to "our" blog already up, i'm a little nervous that my personal thoughts and musings have become more accessible to the world over. when no one knew about it, i wasn't so protective. anyone know how to archive them so at least they're not just front and center? hmm. oh well. well...oh well.
Monday, March 26, 2007
things i'm learning...
the people who love me most aren't out to get me.
the day doesn't care what kind of mood i'm in when i wake up.
i can -and should- walk through the open door until or unless it shuts. i don't have to anticipate that it will.
i am grateful to be able to celebrate the struggle and not have to fight it or look for ways to escape it. the struggle is okay.
the day doesn't care what kind of mood i'm in when i wake up.
i can -and should- walk through the open door until or unless it shuts. i don't have to anticipate that it will.
i am grateful to be able to celebrate the struggle and not have to fight it or look for ways to escape it. the struggle is okay.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
snow day.
(it's hard for me to tell this story without informing you of a secret aspect of my life that is a little known fact to most people, because that was The Thing that helped me come to all of this, but i guess it's not absolutely necessary...)
early this snowy morning i was sitting with a bunch of friends when the power went out. there in the dark room that was illuminated only by the glow of the snow outside, i was listening to them each share, one by one. like a faucet that had just been turned off, i started to cry just a little bit, and for no apparent reason. and then someone mentioned how it reminded them of when the power went out for a week following a snowstorm a few years ago. i remember that snowstorm, it was the first week of december 2002. i remember because my granddad died about 30 minutes before the power went out. and that's when i realized why i was crying.
so i shared my story of what i was experiencing. and this is what it was:
that year, i had started moving into a house in morrisville and almost immediately moved my things out of one home and chose a new place to live in chapel hill so that i would be near my granddad. my grandma died on father's day of 2002 and i knew in my spirit that my granddad would be gone within one year. he wasn't especially sick, other than pretty typical old-people ailments. he was like an old house with creaky floors and leaky faucets. but i just knew inside that he would be going on. around the time of my grandmother's death, i knew i was supposed to move to new york, but i planned to wait until the following summer so i would be here when my granddad passed away. mind you, i wasn't hoping for it and i didn't treat him like he was dying. it was just a knowing i had.
around thanksgiving, i remember he went to the emergency room a couple of times, but he wasn't dying. and still, about 10 days later, as soon as that hard winter snow started falling, my dad called. he said my granddad was in a deep, deep sleep and it was different. he said, if i could, i might want to come over. the snow was really falling hard and it had already started to grow on the ground. but i knew i could make it in my four-wheel drive if i was careful. i lived just off the backroads on the way to his house.
when i got there, it was plain to see that what my dad said was true. my granddad was in another place, although he was still breathing. i couldn't share this with the group this morning but, each time he exhaled, he whispered, "hallelujah to jesus". can you imagine? it wasn't like he was talking in his sleep. he was saying this from the place where he was. he loved the Lord with all of his heart and served God with everything he had.
he was our patriarch, and my sisters and i were his only grandchildren. we all know that my older sister, molly, was his favorite. i called her from his bedside to give her the update. a student at duke, she lived on the other side of durham at the time. my little sister, sarah hope, lived with my mom on the other side of chapel hill. i don't know why i was chosen, why i had the gift of being there; neither of them could make it on the roads. that often tends to be the case, though; that i'm The One. when i called molly, i put the phone up to my sweet granddad's ear and immediately the cadence of his breath changed. i still don't know what she said, but i know he heard her. that's also how i know he was still present in both worlds.
i don't remember what i said to him before i left, but i knew when it was time to go. the next morning, around 7:30 -also the time at which i was sharing my story this morning, and it felt like it could have been the same day- my dad called to say that my granddad had passed about an hour prior, and about 30 minutes before the power went out. sweet granddad.
but i didn't really even share all of that this morning. some of it. but where i was this morning is that, at the time, we were going through so much, anyway, and my job was still to be the protector of all that was. i cried that day and at his funeral, but...i didn't really grieve his death at the time. i had justified it by saying, "it was time. i knew it was coming. i'm really okay." but, now i realize, the truth was that i was just coping. and when i started my counseling 2 1/2 years ago, i went back and started to grieve events of my life, and deal with different issues the way you usually do in therapy, but i would find reasons and means to escape when it became too much to bear.
and today i was so grateful that i was really able to remember that morning in 2002, and literally feel the day the way it felt that day, and properly mourn his death and his loss in my life. he was such a special person and a great man and a really important person in my life. and so, today, i am missing him the way one is supposed to be missed. i loved him very much.
i live in their home now -another gift- and i sleep in the bed in which both he and my grandma died. i know that sounds a little bit creepy. it's not, though. when i got home, i laid down on top of his side where he died and i told him some things and then i let him go. i guess i had already let him go, but it felt different today.
it was a special morning, one that i know won't be soon forgotten. and i'm glad that i was able to really feel that today. i didn't have to make it bigger or smaller than it needed to be, but i could appreciate it and feel it and cry over it and express it. and so, today, i am grateful.
early this snowy morning i was sitting with a bunch of friends when the power went out. there in the dark room that was illuminated only by the glow of the snow outside, i was listening to them each share, one by one. like a faucet that had just been turned off, i started to cry just a little bit, and for no apparent reason. and then someone mentioned how it reminded them of when the power went out for a week following a snowstorm a few years ago. i remember that snowstorm, it was the first week of december 2002. i remember because my granddad died about 30 minutes before the power went out. and that's when i realized why i was crying.
so i shared my story of what i was experiencing. and this is what it was:
that year, i had started moving into a house in morrisville and almost immediately moved my things out of one home and chose a new place to live in chapel hill so that i would be near my granddad. my grandma died on father's day of 2002 and i knew in my spirit that my granddad would be gone within one year. he wasn't especially sick, other than pretty typical old-people ailments. he was like an old house with creaky floors and leaky faucets. but i just knew inside that he would be going on. around the time of my grandmother's death, i knew i was supposed to move to new york, but i planned to wait until the following summer so i would be here when my granddad passed away. mind you, i wasn't hoping for it and i didn't treat him like he was dying. it was just a knowing i had.
around thanksgiving, i remember he went to the emergency room a couple of times, but he wasn't dying. and still, about 10 days later, as soon as that hard winter snow started falling, my dad called. he said my granddad was in a deep, deep sleep and it was different. he said, if i could, i might want to come over. the snow was really falling hard and it had already started to grow on the ground. but i knew i could make it in my four-wheel drive if i was careful. i lived just off the backroads on the way to his house.
when i got there, it was plain to see that what my dad said was true. my granddad was in another place, although he was still breathing. i couldn't share this with the group this morning but, each time he exhaled, he whispered, "hallelujah to jesus". can you imagine? it wasn't like he was talking in his sleep. he was saying this from the place where he was. he loved the Lord with all of his heart and served God with everything he had.
he was our patriarch, and my sisters and i were his only grandchildren. we all know that my older sister, molly, was his favorite. i called her from his bedside to give her the update. a student at duke, she lived on the other side of durham at the time. my little sister, sarah hope, lived with my mom on the other side of chapel hill. i don't know why i was chosen, why i had the gift of being there; neither of them could make it on the roads. that often tends to be the case, though; that i'm The One. when i called molly, i put the phone up to my sweet granddad's ear and immediately the cadence of his breath changed. i still don't know what she said, but i know he heard her. that's also how i know he was still present in both worlds.
i don't remember what i said to him before i left, but i knew when it was time to go. the next morning, around 7:30 -also the time at which i was sharing my story this morning, and it felt like it could have been the same day- my dad called to say that my granddad had passed about an hour prior, and about 30 minutes before the power went out. sweet granddad.
but i didn't really even share all of that this morning. some of it. but where i was this morning is that, at the time, we were going through so much, anyway, and my job was still to be the protector of all that was. i cried that day and at his funeral, but...i didn't really grieve his death at the time. i had justified it by saying, "it was time. i knew it was coming. i'm really okay." but, now i realize, the truth was that i was just coping. and when i started my counseling 2 1/2 years ago, i went back and started to grieve events of my life, and deal with different issues the way you usually do in therapy, but i would find reasons and means to escape when it became too much to bear.
and today i was so grateful that i was really able to remember that morning in 2002, and literally feel the day the way it felt that day, and properly mourn his death and his loss in my life. he was such a special person and a great man and a really important person in my life. and so, today, i am missing him the way one is supposed to be missed. i loved him very much.
i live in their home now -another gift- and i sleep in the bed in which both he and my grandma died. i know that sounds a little bit creepy. it's not, though. when i got home, i laid down on top of his side where he died and i told him some things and then i let him go. i guess i had already let him go, but it felt different today.
it was a special morning, one that i know won't be soon forgotten. and i'm glad that i was able to really feel that today. i didn't have to make it bigger or smaller than it needed to be, but i could appreciate it and feel it and cry over it and express it. and so, today, i am grateful.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
toes.
do your toes get stepped on easily? mine do. i try not to let it, but they do. it hasn't happened recently - well, the potential for it to happen happened, but i moved them out of the way quickly enough to avoid it.
part of my recent epiphany, and i sort of touched on this part toward the end of "first blog." is that, when i am in control of my life and responsible for my choices, there's no one to blame when something doesn't go "right". and, even though it's still not "right" (and i say "right" in quotes because there's still the inevitable Power of the Universe who has a little bit more say-so than i do on matters concerning me and just because i don't think it's "right" doesn't mean it isn't), there's something still liberating that things ended up that way because of the choices that i made. like, i could even say to someone, "i meant for that to happen" when my ego is too big to admit that i didn't. anyway, it's neither here nor there.
my point is, i don't have to let my toes be stepped on. not only that, but part of (somewhat)controlling my destiny means that i don't have to be unkind to someone else because they were mean to me first. who knows what kind of day -or life- they're having that would cause them to act out that way? it's not personal. they're not out to get me. that is HUGE for me to say that. i used to think that everyone was. one story robin magraw mentioned in her book was when she and "phillip" said something that upset her one day and, after about a 24-hour silent treatment, she told him what was wrong and he said to her, "one thing i need you to do for me is to ask yourself if i meant to hurt you on purpose." that really changed me. i really believe that people don't mean to hurt the people they love on purpose. and to realize that changes my response - something i can control. i don't have to feel or be defensive. i can just be me.
i know i'm supposed to be talking about creative juices but lori set this up so i would also just have a place to write. while i'm here at work, it helps. so, thanks, lori.
one of my artists is coming in now. more later.
part of my recent epiphany, and i sort of touched on this part toward the end of "first blog." is that, when i am in control of my life and responsible for my choices, there's no one to blame when something doesn't go "right". and, even though it's still not "right" (and i say "right" in quotes because there's still the inevitable Power of the Universe who has a little bit more say-so than i do on matters concerning me and just because i don't think it's "right" doesn't mean it isn't), there's something still liberating that things ended up that way because of the choices that i made. like, i could even say to someone, "i meant for that to happen" when my ego is too big to admit that i didn't. anyway, it's neither here nor there.
my point is, i don't have to let my toes be stepped on. not only that, but part of (somewhat)controlling my destiny means that i don't have to be unkind to someone else because they were mean to me first. who knows what kind of day -or life- they're having that would cause them to act out that way? it's not personal. they're not out to get me. that is HUGE for me to say that. i used to think that everyone was. one story robin magraw mentioned in her book was when she and "phillip" said something that upset her one day and, after about a 24-hour silent treatment, she told him what was wrong and he said to her, "one thing i need you to do for me is to ask yourself if i meant to hurt you on purpose." that really changed me. i really believe that people don't mean to hurt the people they love on purpose. and to realize that changes my response - something i can control. i don't have to feel or be defensive. i can just be me.
i know i'm supposed to be talking about creative juices but lori set this up so i would also just have a place to write. while i'm here at work, it helps. so, thanks, lori.
one of my artists is coming in now. more later.
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