snow day.

(it's hard for me to tell this story without informing you of a secret aspect of my life that is a little known fact to most people, because that was The Thing that helped me come to all of this, but i guess it's not absolutely necessary...)

early this snowy morning i was sitting with a bunch of friends when the power went out. there in the dark room that was illuminated only by the glow of the snow outside, i was listening to them each share, one by one. like a faucet that had just been turned off, i started to cry just a little bit, and for no apparent reason. and then someone mentioned how it reminded them of when the power went out for a week following a snowstorm a few years ago. i remember that snowstorm, it was the first week of december 2002. i remember because my granddad died about 30 minutes before the power went out. and that's when i realized why i was crying.

so i shared my story of what i was experiencing. and this is what it was:

that year, i had started moving into a house in morrisville and almost immediately moved my things out of one home and chose a new place to live in chapel hill so that i would be near my granddad. my grandma died on father's day of 2002 and i knew in my spirit that my granddad would be gone within one year. he wasn't especially sick, other than pretty typical old-people ailments. he was like an old house with creaky floors and leaky faucets. but i just knew inside that he would be going on. around the time of my grandmother's death, i knew i was supposed to move to new york, but i planned to wait until the following summer so i would be here when my granddad passed away. mind you, i wasn't hoping for it and i didn't treat him like he was dying. it was just a knowing i had.

around thanksgiving, i remember he went to the emergency room a couple of times, but he wasn't dying. and still, about 10 days later, as soon as that hard winter snow started falling, my dad called. he said my granddad was in a deep, deep sleep and it was different. he said, if i could, i might want to come over. the snow was really falling hard and it had already started to grow on the ground. but i knew i could make it in my four-wheel drive if i was careful. i lived just off the backroads on the way to his house.

when i got there, it was plain to see that what my dad said was true. my granddad was in another place, although he was still breathing. i couldn't share this with the group this morning but, each time he exhaled, he whispered, "hallelujah to jesus". can you imagine? it wasn't like he was talking in his sleep. he was saying this from the place where he was. he loved the Lord with all of his heart and served God with everything he had.

he was our patriarch, and my sisters and i were his only grandchildren. we all know that my older sister, molly, was his favorite. i called her from his bedside to give her the update. a student at duke, she lived on the other side of durham at the time. my little sister, sarah hope, lived with my mom on the other side of chapel hill. i don't know why i was chosen, why i had the gift of being there; neither of them could make it on the roads. that often tends to be the case, though; that i'm The One. when i called molly, i put the phone up to my sweet granddad's ear and immediately the cadence of his breath changed. i still don't know what she said, but i know he heard her. that's also how i know he was still present in both worlds.

i don't remember what i said to him before i left, but i knew when it was time to go. the next morning, around 7:30 -also the time at which i was sharing my story this morning, and it felt like it could have been the same day- my dad called to say that my granddad had passed about an hour prior, and about 30 minutes before the power went out. sweet granddad.

but i didn't really even share all of that this morning. some of it. but where i was this morning is that, at the time, we were going through so much, anyway, and my job was still to be the protector of all that was. i cried that day and at his funeral, but...i didn't really grieve his death at the time. i had justified it by saying, "it was time. i knew it was coming. i'm really okay." but, now i realize, the truth was that i was just coping. and when i started my counseling 2 1/2 years ago, i went back and started to grieve events of my life, and deal with different issues the way you usually do in therapy, but i would find reasons and means to escape when it became too much to bear.

and today i was so grateful that i was really able to remember that morning in 2002, and literally feel the day the way it felt that day, and properly mourn his death and his loss in my life. he was such a special person and a great man and a really important person in my life. and so, today, i am missing him the way one is supposed to be missed. i loved him very much.

i live in their home now -another gift- and i sleep in the bed in which both he and my grandma died. i know that sounds a little bit creepy. it's not, though. when i got home, i laid down on top of his side where he died and i told him some things and then i let him go. i guess i had already let him go, but it felt different today.

it was a special morning, one that i know won't be soon forgotten. and i'm glad that i was able to really feel that today. i didn't have to make it bigger or smaller than it needed to be, but i could appreciate it and feel it and cry over it and express it. and so, today, i am grateful.

toes.

do your toes get stepped on easily? mine do. i try not to let it, but they do. it hasn't happened recently - well, the potential for it to happen happened, but i moved them out of the way quickly enough to avoid it.

part of my recent epiphany, and i sort of touched on this part toward the end of "first blog." is that, when i am in control of my life and responsible for my choices, there's no one to blame when something doesn't go "right". and, even though it's still not "right" (and i say "right" in quotes because there's still the inevitable Power of the Universe who has a little bit more say-so than i do on matters concerning me and just because i don't think it's "right" doesn't mean it isn't), there's something still liberating that things ended up that way because of the choices that i made. like, i could even say to someone, "i meant for that to happen" when my ego is too big to admit that i didn't. anyway, it's neither here nor there.

my point is, i don't have to let my toes be stepped on. not only that, but part of (somewhat)controlling my destiny means that i don't have to be unkind to someone else because they were mean to me first. who knows what kind of day -or life- they're having that would cause them to act out that way? it's not personal. they're not out to get me. that is HUGE for me to say that. i used to think that everyone was. one story robin magraw mentioned in her book was when she and "phillip" said something that upset her one day and, after about a 24-hour silent treatment, she told him what was wrong and he said to her, "one thing i need you to do for me is to ask yourself if i meant to hurt you on purpose." that really changed me. i really believe that people don't mean to hurt the people they love on purpose. and to realize that changes my response - something i can control. i don't have to feel or be defensive. i can just be me.

i know i'm supposed to be talking about creative juices but lori set this up so i would also just have a place to write. while i'm here at work, it helps. so, thanks, lori.

one of my artists is coming in now. more later.

a few thoughts for the day.

last night i sort of found myself longing for home. only...not like my childhood home, not like that. i don't know...just "home". a connection with an old friend kind of "home". do you ever feel that way? or, like i just really need to journal. it's been a while and some thoughts are too sacred for blogging. maybe i should do that tonight.

first blog.

(pre-thoughts: blogging...blogging...i don't know how to blog! i write all the time and people often say, "you should write a book!" but when i feel pressured, i have no idea what to say...)

i've recently been empowered to take more ownership over my business and, really, over my life. it should come as no surprise to some vendors that it's time we part ways because it's just not working for either of us. i'm so excited to say "no" and to hear "no" back! uh, from some, that is. i do need for there to be about 10 loud "yes!" 's. risks are involved, but i thrive on adventure and living life completely and fully. part of my tagline is "live without regret." and i want that to be true of me.

over the holiday, i read robin mcgraw's book, "inside my heart" front to back in one night. and, while i thought some of the God-thoughts she threw in were a little bit trite ("God helps those who help themselves." i've never seen that scripture.), i loved her main message: that life is about choices. she is living the life now she set out to live as a result of the choices she made in her own life, and reaping the benefits of owning her life and being in control of the results. for me, i know better than to try to take control of anything. it's doomed to fail. and not just a little bit. miserably. but i understand what she's saying - get involved. be proactive. stop blaming others for how life has turned out and take responsibility for your life. i love that.

and so, i'm making some changes. specifically, i'm making changes to my business, creative juices. here's the reason why i started creative juices: for me, when i create, it's how i worship God. my spirit is the most alive and i am most at peace when i am painting, singing, creating -whatever. i think my sister would say "mostly painting" about me. it's probably true. when i am not creating, or haven't for a while, i lose a little piece of myself somewhere that only takes me moments to find when i start to create again. i started creative juices with my friend tiffany when, upon thinking about other people who are also artistic that haven't tapped that well in a while, i considered what type of venue i could offer them in order to give them a reason to create and, thus, encourage their spirit to come alive again. my heart behind creative juices is to help others live freely, fully, and completely alive as it might be expressed through their craft.

we started with 17 artists and quickly -very quickly- grew to 32. shortly after we started, "we" became "i" and "i" found myself lugging around equal parts of everyone's collections to my trunk shows and markets. if you've ever represented yourself in a show, you know how much work it can be. you can only imagine how much more work it is to carry yours plus 31 others things to a show. and so, after an inspiring conversation with one of my vendors who is also a longtime friend, i'm making changes. good, exciting changes that i don't have to apologize for or ask permission about and, more importantly, will lead me closer to the life i want to have. my hope is that my artists will agree that the time is right for this. it's not personal, it's business - although, when you're dealing with a bunch of artists, the business is personal.

i guess, the message i want to convey is what robin mcgraw (magraw?) talked about in her book. i have the power to make choices for and about my life and i don't have to ask permission or blame anyone for the results. it's up to me. and that's how i want to encourage you: it's up to you.